Nora Batty In New York

I have been sitting in the office with the unnerving sensation that my holdups (stockings that supposedly bypass the need for suspenders via cunning use of plasticised elastic) are creeping slowly down my legs. My fear is that if I make a dash for the loo to pull them back up, the mere act of moving my legs will force them down to my ankles Nora Batty-style and expose me to the kind of office embarrassment last experienced when I learned that (during an alcohol-induced blackout at a Christmas party a few years ago) I’d offered to arm wrestle everyone I work with… (I would have won, but was removed from the scene by a friend before I got to test this conviction).

(Nora Batty-esque tights):



The ultimate cause of my problem, which has me deskbound and occasionally scrabbling to surreptitiously pull up the damned stockings from under my desk, is that I haven’t figured out where on earth you can buy holdups here and I’m down to my last Boots pair. Any suggestions, anyone?

So I could go for regular old tights, but I haven’t had that much luck with them here, either. The Boots equivalent, CVS, sells cheapo tights that last no more than 30 minutes on my disaster-prone self. Holdups seem to be relegated to the ‘naughty things’ section – and I have my oddities, but trust me, I’m not that kind of girl (I blush buying stain remover). What happened to those nice GIs who brought nylons over for my grandmothers? (Not that my grandmothers were those kind of girls, either.) When did the U.S. go from providing the solution to English women's nylon woes, to leaving them desk-bound, terrified of the trek to CVS and the possibility they might have to ask the assistant for help finding 'pantyhose'? (Even if you aren't fazed by asking about holdups, try being English and uttering the word pantyhose without reddening.)

[As an afterthought, I feel the need to justify my preference for holdups over regular old tights. Don’t get too excited, boys. I wear holdups purely for economic reasons – I’m a clumsy arse and cannot wear them for a day without laddering one or both legs. On the off chance that I only ladder one leg of a holdup, then I can simply buy another identical pair and have one ‘spare’ leg, for when I inevitably ladder a leg of the new pair. (You with me? Of course, you see it makes total financial sense).]