How to be English in the U.S...

In what will hopefully wind up as a series, I'm offering some thoughts to Americans who might want to have the best of both worlds: being English and living in the U.S. That is, the peace of mind that comes from having a get-out clause for all disputes over American political, economic and religious views AND being able to enjoy many consecutive days of sunshine without ever wondering where you last left your umbrella.

In this episode, I will be discussing how to eat a slice of pizza at a New York pizzeria like an English person.


How to eat pizza like an English person

First of all, you must express some quiet, understated but totally and utterly confused astonishment at the sheer scale of gluttony that has been served to you. Something like, "Gosh! It's rather large!" or "Golly, I've never even seen a whole pizza this size before!" should do the trick.

Probably nobody has heard you because you talk about 20 decibels below everyone else in the queue (not a line) and because you're English, not American, you will resist the urge to turn around and see whether anyone heard you, understood your astonishment, or admired your attempt at the accent.

Then comes the tricky part. You'll notice that the slice of pizza does not fit properly onto the flimsy paper plate on which it has been served. In fact, some of the mozzarella is dripping messily down your wrist. And it's hot and it hurts. This time, you will look around to try and see whether anyone has noticed how grubby you're getting. But you won't even blink as the cheese really begins to burn, because you're English, and you don't feel pain (or any other minor inconvenience), remember?

You'll make it to the table doing a John Cleese-inspired walk designed to maintain as much grease as possible ON the pizza and OFF your hand and wrist, while walking as quickly as possible to a table so you can (carefully, quietly) drop the source of the third degree burn.

Now you must begin to search frantically (but again, quietly so as not to draw any attention to yourself) for some cutlery. There is none. Look around, surreptitiously, and notice that people are eating with - horror of horrors - their own hands! Briefly recoil, then sit down and breathe deeply. Eye the pizza suspiciously. Wonder whether it's worth it. Remember that your relatives suffered worse fates during the war.

Take a little nibble from the side. Take a little nibble from the other side. Realise you've only succeeded in making the slice thinner and more difficult to eat. Eye the slimy tip of the slice. It's still dripping oil. That can't be right, can it?

Your next choice will determine the type of Brit-in-america that you will become. You can either: A) open your mouth wide, fold the pizza in half and gobble it up like a true Yank, or B) Check to see whether your mother and/or a dinner lady are watching, then carefully put it in the bin and walk out before anyone notices you just threw perfectly good food away because you were too cowardly to eat it.

You get to choose - you're in America now!